humor

My military training comes in handy since leaving the service. Valuable lessons learned can translate into great help when accomplishing one of my greatest joys, shopping. Now about this time of the year, I’d rather get three root canals than venture into a shopping mall.

But no matter how well I plan, there is always one item I need to pick up or purchase to complete my list of home needs, gifts or plain consumerism. Recently I got to thinking about which are the scariest parking lots I face on a regular basis. I’ve come up with my top four contenders.

4. Target. The mall in my area has both Target and Kohl’s with a very large parking lot joining them all together. Pure madness this time of year. Several years ago I adopted the back route maneuver. I go behind Target and park behind the store which does not link with the big parking lot. Problem solved. Quick exit and entry. No prowling the rows endlessly for parking spots. In and out.

3. Fred Meyer. (Kroger to the rest of you) Go mid-day, avoid weekends, or streak in at dinner time when most folks are eating. I park in the same area so I don’t lose Subie. There are a lot of silver SUVs around here. Have my list. Get in, get out. Occasionally I like to wander through the seasonal area for holiday entertainment. Especially when the biblical downpour from a thunderstorm made it so noisy on the metal roof a week ago Tuesday we couldn’t hear ourselves think. Best to wait that one out. I’m a native Oregonian, but I’m not stupid when it comes to rain where you need a scuba suit to stay dry.

2. Eye Clinic. This parking lot is pure peril. Not only am I driving with at least one eye dilated, but other folks flat-out can’t see. My remedy is to park outside the main parking lot. There are so many parking stalls back to back to each other, it’s a matter of time before there will be a complete gridlock crash zone. Of course, when I enter the doors and the sign says “No weapons allowed,” I can imagine that is because of the crazy drivers outside. Good to know.

1.  Home Depot. This is parking lot is the hands down craziest. That’s before the holiday season. One of the store’s I frequent is next to PetSmart, so now we’ve added a rash of crazy pet owners and excited dogs to the mix. (I rarely see cat’s shopping, they have staff.) When I am mission planning for an HD run, I am in full tactical mode. Head on a swivel. Rested. Full stomach. Water bottle in the car.

When going into this mission, I always plan for a two-fer; hit Home Depot and PetSmart. If you’re going to take your life in your hands, go for the gusto and reduce the odds with one combined operation and not two different trips. Lower your odds of chaos. Pre-planning includes finding out the items I want, if they are in stock and where in the vast warehouse of crazy they are located. Know your target and secure its coordinates.

When I want a helper at Home Depot, I can’t find one. When I go in armed with intell and know where I’m heading, they are everywhere. But first, you have to secure a parking spot. Be on the watch for pedestrians with a death wish wandering in every conceivable direction. They also are pushing carts and carrying loads of timber and metal sticks which they can swivel in an instant and knock you to the ground.

I’ve seen bushes walking with only legs visible, people moving into the traffic while texting on their phone and pushing a full shopping cart, and a family heading for the store entrance strung out for six blocks trying to muck up all traffic lanes. Manage your troop movements people! 

There are contractors and DIY’ers shooting out of the loading dock at any given time with varying velocities and no warning. You can be moving along at fifteen miles an hour and all of a sudden have a dual-wheeled one-ton pickup try to T-bone you with a load of patio bricks. Be very careful around the loading bays.

If the PetSmart doggie people wander over for home stuff after their visit to the treat store, now we’ve got an entirely new wrinkle to deal with at Home Depot. Thank goodness for cement floors.

When I arrive home safely from the HomeDepot/PetSmart mission, I am truly proud of myself. Until I realize I forgot the special cat food.

Curses!

Take it easy out there everybody and reward yourselves for a mission well done during these holiday parking lot horrors. Think outside the parking lot. The life you save may be the cat’s waitress.

Spec Ops Cat testing out the new holiday blankie from Kohl’s. I think it passes. Mission complete.